Just to give you an idea of how much trouble we were in from the start, here's some trivia to mull over. Originally, Michael Bay did not even want the Transformers to speak because he thought they sounded ridiculous. He then changed his mind, because he did not want to alienate the fan base. In fact, right at the start he turned down the opportunity to direct Transformers because, and I quote, it would be a "stupid toy movie." He'd said that about the Indiana Jones series as well, way back in the 80s, and refused to direct it.

Well, I've said this before, and am now patiently waiting for a philanthropist with a gun to take note: please put Michael Bay out of our misery (after he's beaten unconscious by crazed twenty-somethings wielding those "stupid toys," of course). And do a little damage to the person who offered the job to him, while you're at it. Man, did Indiana Jones have a narrow escape . . .

Allow me to explain. Bay has consistently displayed a most singular capacity for mediocrity over the years. Having directed movies such as Pearl Harbour, Armageddon and The Rock, amongst others, he is now a danger to the nostalgia of young men and women the world over, particularly with this latest 'blockbuster' of staggeringly mishandled proportions. It wasn't enough for him to have a perfect story, with tremendous potential for a cinematic socks-off about giant robots, and all the wonders of digital wizardry handed to him on a plate. Instead, he had to put it in a blender with - wait for it - the FBI, the US army and air force, Sam's (the main character, played by Shia LaBeouf) dad's obsession with the lawn, eBay, arctic explorers, piss jokes, masturbation references, hackers eating doughnuts (I could go on, but I'll stop here) and then hit the "Completely Fail All Expectations" button. Was this bad? Yes, Michael, it was very bad.

Perhaps if the Autobots' transforming had been shown in as great detail as Megan Fox's bared midriff, it might have been worth the wait. But the shots of the Transformers themselves are way too up close and personal, and the transformations themselves were a blur (where the heck was everyone's favourite fast-talking transformer, Blur, by the way?) without any convincing detail and I found myself wanting to sit about half a mile away just so I could see what was going on.

Some scenes with the Transformers are just ridiculous. Take, for example, the scene where they're bumbling about, hiding from Sam's parents, or when the Autobot, Ironhide, opens his 'fuel tank' on to the 'bad' human. Oh Bay, you made a funny. Also, I am an emotionally deficient, beer-guzzling middle-aged American male lacking intellect. Wait, that's you... (That scene also happened to be completely irrelevant, just like almost everything else the Autobots do in the movie.)

They're not supposed to be goofy comics, damn it, they're the most awesome Decepticon-fighting, earth-saving, matrix-protecting Transformers out there! Why does Bumblebee want Mikaela (Megan Fox) and the dork to make out in his backseat? Does he like hot, panting, leaking humans inside him? And that puppy-dog whimper when he is caught by US security forces is simply nauseating. And why, for the love of all that is sane, does he hand over the Allspark to Sam? It would have been much safer with himself, a hulking mass of metal and guns no? Bay strikes back with Plot Twist as Explained to Six Year Old.

And then, Optimus should be leading the action, not trying to catch up to it.. He's the Man! The big boss! Why, O why Sandy, did the Autobots keep waiting on the humans to start everything? Bay thought a movie about the Transformers should have the US military fighting the Decepticons, with the Autobots helping, instead of the other way around. None of this makes any sense, whichever way you look at it.

And the Decepticons themselves, like the Autobots, were extremely one-dimensional and were failed in every way by Bay. The first and practically only words out of Megatron's mouth were "You have failed me, Starscream!" (And Starscream conveniently jumps up out of complete obscurity in order for Megatron to make sense.)

The soundtrack is as mainstream and mediocre as Bay is. Linkin Park, HIM (who occupy the "Love Metal" genre by the way) and the Goo Goo Dolls: if Barbie's subconscious had a dark side, and that dark side had a soundtrack, then it would play the entire repertoires of these three bands whilst smothered in ginormous quantities of pink candy floss.

To be fair, the movie itself does have three redeeming qualities. One, Optimus Prime was voiced by Peter Cullen, true to the original series; it was great to hear that familiar, I'm-the-greatest-Transformer-ever voice, which makes Optimus who he is. The second is the extremely decent computer generated graphics, which make for seamless (albeit badly focused) visuals. The third is . . . well, predictably, it's Optimus again. "Autobots, transform and roll out!" Classic.

Even with the intent of making a trilogy of it (parts two and three already have entries in IMDB), this first part could (and should) have been done better in terms of showing more of the actual Transformers, developing their characters and history, and allowing them to star in their own very real story. As it is, the plot revolved around Sam being the dork who lands a hot girl and has an adventure. When you're calling the movie "Transformers," and it's based on the Transformers cartoons and toys, then it should be about the Transformers! It should be about a world where the Transformers are believable characters, rather than tacking them onto a human story.

So to tranquilly sum up - the future of the Transformers has been ruined forever. This is because Michael Bay is in charge of the second and third parts in the Transformers Trilogy. Any sympathetic armed and legged humanitarians out there: please hunt him down and do universal justice. And now, Autobots - transform and roll out!

The Happening

The Happening is a movie about a deadly pandemic that spreads across the eastern states of the United States of America. The storyline of the movie isn't that bad, but much of the acting is absolutely horrid. Zooey Deschanel gives a terribly weak and uninspiring performance as the girlfriend of Elliot Moore, a science teacher, played by Mark Wahlberg. While the storyline is OK, the main chase scene consists of Wahlberg, Deschanel and a bunch of other "survivors" being chased by the wind. That's right, the wind.

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor

This series has really gone downhill. It's not even about Egyptian mummies anymore. It's about a kung fu style, Jet Li mummy. That's a serious alteration to the normal storyline of "The Mummy" franchise. The new Rachel, no longer played by Rachel Weisz, is absolutely terrible in this movie, and the whole storyline just seems like something a 5 year old could have written. The only good part about this movie is Brendan Fraser, he'll be cool for the rest of eternity.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Why, oh why? Why did Spielberg think it would be a good idea for George Lucas to write the script for this movie? Sure, the first 3 Star Wars movies were great, but he can not write a movie without aliens appearing in it. Indiana Jones may never have had the most believable storylines, but they never ventured as far as aliens based on Earth, who had skulls made of Crystal. This movie was just horrible, and it had the potential to be so good if it had of just followed on from the original three movies.

Whilst choosing to disregard anything to do with the “Newborn” creature and “Ripley 8” in Alien Resurrection as being a worthy addition to the franchise, and its attempt to outline a bond between human and Xenomorph; I prefer to investigate the connection between antagonist and protagonist beginning with the first movie.

H.R. Giger's refinement of the surreal Necronom IV lithograph, with the help of director Ridley Scott, portrayed the beauty and sexual overtones of the creature within the first film. It's loud hissing, provocative grin, and drooling fluids, had significant cultural impact upon its human predecessors.

Ripley's personal encounters with the alien, particularly towards the climax of the first movie, are almost erotic in places. As the viewer sees the protagonist strip down to her underwear, it is at that moment that the seemingly neglected alien creature springs out of hiding to intimidate Ripley further. The slow building tension between the female human and Xenomorph during this scene are evident when Ripley's respiratory levels increase, and her violent screams result from the advance off the alien towards her.

The alien's combination of sexually evocative physical and behavioral characteristics are guilty of being seductive when in the presence of the human being. Indeed, much of the Alien's looks and life cycle can be seen as a perverse sexual metaphor. The snapping metallic teeth are almost like the castrating vagina dentata, according to critic Ximena Gollardo, and are deliberate in design for creating an organic killing machine.

During the famous scene, where the chestburster explodes through Kane's ribcage on Nostromo, there is a distinct connection between sex and death. On first contact with the species, Kane had been subdued and made pregnant by the facehugger from the egg, and later on the embryo had developed and escaped via its host. It is a nightmare for the viewer to see the male gender desemated via the birth of another species in such a fashion. Indeed, when the ovomorph succeeded in planting the embryo, it was via the method of sexual assault.

Undoubtably, there is a blurring of human sexual dichotomy here. At the time Alien was released, Sigourney Weaver, who played Ripley, was a little known actress, and it was somewhat surprising for a film audience to see such a horrifying plot develop, with Ripley being the last remaining (female) character. Contrasting to Dallas, who was the more familiar lead role of the film, yet becomes one of the early captures of the Xenomorph along with Kane; then is later seen cocooned and helpess, being used as a host for the implantation process within the nest of the alien.

In this sense Ripley's role is challenging the ideology of gender stereotypes: she is the only (female) survivor of the Nostromo crew, and overhauls the threat of the Xenomorph and its propagation, ultimately by herself.

The breakthrough feminist themes about women in combat made Sigourney Weaver a cinematic icon. The “Female Action Hero” was a rare title given to actresses in the days of Alien, and it wasn't till the reprisal of Sarah Connor in Terminator 2, that Ellen Ripley had any serious (human) competition.

The Iconic lone figure with a flame-thrower has been accepted and celebrated as pure cinematic magic, where Ripley, the heroine, triumphs over the alien species. Her strength and will to carry on through the suffering of her deceased crew makes her worthwhile to the female gender, yet truly iconic to the human race.

Furthermore, Ripley's character role is made significant by challenging the ideals of science with a human angle: it is her common sense, emotion, and will to survive that relates her to the best of us.

If only the crew would've listened to Ripley citing quarantine protocol; there would have been no knowledge of the extraterrestrial life form, and humanity would be safe from its threat (at least for the time being). Her attempts at persuading Science Office Ash and Dallas to get rid of the facehugger were also blatantly ignored.
The casting of Jones, the cat, is notable for influencing further Ripley's personality on screen. Despite being stalked by the alien, and with the self-destruct sequence of Nostromo rapidly counting down, Ripley is still desperate to get Jones out of there, under her wing, safely, after the crew has been completely diminished.

It is such characteristics that allow Ripley's role to overshadow even that of the alien, which is quite extraordinary, especially given that the title of the movie refers to the antagonist. Although the alien is most certainly billed as the “Perfect Organism”, leaving the audience intrigued to find out more about this highly aggressive, unfamiliar, extraterrestrial life form, it is the story of Ellen Ripley that keeps faith in human existence, and inspires further installments of the franchise.

Admittedly, I've had numerous nightmares of the chestburster ripping through my own rib cage, and I remain quite cynical when I hear about humanity's attempts to explore other species in space. I'm not paranoid (much), but you have to remember that “Science-Fiction” is an oxymoron, and a contradiction within itself.

Giger's obscene; insectoid form was not a result of evolution, but deliberate design. The vaguely human features of the Xenomorph, with its skeletal, biomechanical appearance, may well be the most perfectly formed organism we've have ever seen. Its erotic nature of reproduction- "an interspecies rape" according to O'Bannon -has haunted audiences for years, whilst the term "We are not alone" has rung through many of our minds.
Ripley not only installs pride within women, but gives faith to the whole of humanity's explorations, on film. In fact, it isn't till the 3rd instalment in the franchise that we learn Ripley has finally been “caught'”, and impregnated by the aliens; even then she was asleep when the attack took place.

Ripley fully deserves her rank as the 8th greatest hero in American Cinema History, at the very least; while Scott's Alien masterpiece must remain as one of the most significant sci-fi films of all time; with the award for the most grotesque surrealist artist going to H.R. Giger. Undoubtedly.

Growing up, he travelled with his parents all over the world. He learned about many cultures and learned to speak and read many languages, along with their customs. He also fought in World War I. As a child, he learned from his father all about journaling. He has many friends, but when it comes to women, he is pretty much a loner. He not seems to make up his mind. The woman he loved and cherished most, besides his mother, is Marion Ravenwood.

Indiana is not really close to his father. After his mother died, things became worse between him and his father. Marcus Brody, Professor Abner Ravenwood, So did Professor Oxley.

On his archeological journeys he has discovered the Art of the Covenant, the holy grail, the Sankara stone, and the crystal skull. If he is not placing the artifact back where it belongs, he is oftentimes having the item placed in a museum so that others may see it. Some of the items he discovered have been taken by the United States Government and placed in storage because they are so dangerous. The dig always means something to him because of the stories behind it. Indiana also likes to solve the puzzle. He lives for the challenge when it comes to archeology.

He has met Leo Tolstoy, Pancho Villa, Charles de Gaulle, John Ford, Theodore Roosevelt, and Norman Rockwell among many other well-known figures. He learned to live his life from the artist. Indiana Jones is very passionate. He strives for the adventure. The one thing he hates is snakes. From these people as well as many of mentors he has sought the life he desires and is living it. He enjoys wearing his wide brimmed fedora, a leather jacket, and a belt with a holder for his whip.

Indiana Jones enjoys the world of discovery. If he is not meeting new people, he is on some sort of archeological journey. He teaches so that he can work on archeological digs. He loves to use his resources. He does not need a lot to be happy. As long as he is able to teach, and discover more artifacts, he is happy.

As for Indy 4, my hopes are really high. I have watched the preview several times and have noticed the following details; There is a chase scene that appears to take place in the warehouse where they put the Ark of the Covenant at the end of Raiders.....awesome. Then, you see someone's eyeglasses being magnetically drawn to a metal crate that reads "Area 51, Roswell, NM"......I had to pause the preview to see that part. I'm curious to see what that is all about. I am glad to see that the movie actually takes place in a time frame that is relative to Harrison's age. The movie takes place in the late 50's, which would put it about 25 years after Last Crusade took place. Also, the Axis of Evil ingredient is present once again, though not in the form of Nazis. This time Indy will be up against a Communist general played by Kate Blanchette(spelling?). It looks like we will be seeing some familiar faces, at least one anyways, being that of Karen Allen (Marion Ravenwood, Raiders) , which makes me think that this film will have something to do with the Ark of the Covenant.....maybe? About half of the preview appears to take place in South America, which is where I assume the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull comes into play.

So there you have it, the excitement is almost too much to bear. You can bet that I will be watching the Indy trilogy again soon, annoying whoever I convince to watch them with me by mouthing the entire script of Last Crusade under my breath......Yes, I really do that.