The Hollywood blockbuster “The Departed” was based on this Chinese cult classic, but, I believe this film is much superior to it’s Hollywood copy. The plot centres around two men, Chan-Wing Yan (played by Tony Leung Chiu-Wai ) and Inspector Lau kin- Ming (played by Andy Lau). Leung’s character is a cop who goes undercover into a Triad gang, whereas, Lau’s character is a member of the triad gang masquerading as a police officer in order to feed information to his boss. There are plenty of twists and turns in the plot to keep you on the edge of your seat and the climax is breathtaking. Rent this movie and you won’t be disappointed.

2. OLDBOY

At number two, we have another Asian classic. Oldboy is a Korean movie starring Choi Min-Sik as the movies hero, or rather anti-hero Oh Dae-Su. Oh Dae-Su is a Korean businessman who is one day abducted from the street one night. He wakes up locked inside a single room, where he has no visitors and is fed through a slot. Fifteen years later, he is released with no idea what happened to him. The rest of the plot shows his attempts to find out what happened to him and to gain revenge on the perpetrators. This is a brutally violent film, but is equal in its brilliance. The plot is simply memorizing and I guarantee you will not see what is coming next. This is definitely a must see movie.

3. THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW

In my opinion this is the best musical ever made. It is funny, trashy and bizarre in equal measures. The songs are great fun and very memorable. The plot sees two young clean cut American kids enter the world of Dr Frank N Furter a transvestite alien with a love of seducing anyone and everyone he comes into contact with. He is brilliantly played by Tim Curry. This movie brilliantly spoofs all those old sci fi B movies. There is also an appearance by Meatloaf who plays biker Eddie. If you love corsets, stockings and sweet transvestites, this one’s for you.

4. BRAINDEAD

“ I Kick arse for the lord” is my favourite line from this very low budget horror film directed by Peter Jackson, who is now famous for directing the Lord Of the Rings trilogy. This is horror comedy at its best (and cheapest). Lionel lives with his controlling mother in a small town, when she is bitten by a monkey at the zoo, she becomes a zombie. Lionel loves his mother and he continues to look after her although she is now a member of the undead. He also takes on the task of looking after other zombies in his community, trying to control them with sedative injections, but, eventually all hell breaks loose. This is probably best watched with friends after a few beers.

5. BATTLE ROYALE

Yet another Asian entry, this time from Japan. This film is brutal from start to finish, with plenty of gore. It is set in a time when Japan is in chaos and adults fear children. So, to keep them in their place, every year they select a class of children, send them to a deserted island, arm them and make them fight to the death. The last person surviving gets to live. Oh, and just to ensure they can’t cheat they all have explosive devices strapped around their necks so if they don’t kill each other they will all explode! Although this movie sounds like nothing more than a bloodbath, it is also an intelligent and often sensitive movie. WATCH IT NOW!

6. MANIAC (1980)

This film belongs firmly in the slasher genre of horror. It is about a very disturbed young man who becomes a serial killer who kills his victims by removing their scalp. Frank is schizophrenic and talks to his dead mother at night in his bedroom (which is full of dismembered mannequins). He stalks women in the Bronx , kills them, removes their scalps and then attaches them to his precious mannequins. The ending to this one is a shocker. Watch this one with the lights on and the doors locked.

7. THE WARRIORS

The Warriors was released in 1979 and was based on a novel by Sol Yurick. It is set in New York and centres on gang war in the city. When the leader of the biggest most powerful gang in New York is murdered, The Warriors are falsely accused of being behind the assassination. They then have to make it back to safety in there own patch, Coney Island, without being caught and almost certainly killed by members of the various other New York gangs who are angry after the killing. The movie takes place all in one night. I recommend watching the directors cut of this movie.

8. BLADE RUNNER

This has to be one of the most visually stunning pieces of cinema ever. It was directed by Ridley Scott and starred Harrison Ford, Rutger Hauer and Sean Young. The movie is set in 2019 where robots called replicants, who look exactly like humans are being used for dangerous work on “off world colonies”. Inevitably some of the replicants uprise and thus all replicants are banned. “Blade Runners” are sent to track down and dispose of the replicants. This is a must have for all science fiction fans.

9. PINK FLAMINGOES

This film was promoted as being “the most disgusting movie of all time” and it certainly lives up to its name. The star of the movie, transvestite, Divine, ate dog faeces for part of the film. The film centres on two families who are competing to see which family is the most disgusting. Fans of John waters will love this, but, if you are easily offended give it a miss.

10. ERASERHEAD

Probably one of the strangest movies ever made, that’s hardly surprising, as, it was directed by David Lynch who is known for his strange but brilliant cult movies. It is billed as a surrealist horror film and I think that is certainly a good was of describing it. I don’t even know how I would begin to describe it, but, believe me it is definitely worth watching, if only for the weirdness.

There were very few weird and wonderful goings-on, no aliens whatsoever and even Mulder and Scully themselves seems virtually unrecognisable as the characters they had played for a decade.

I left the cinema thinking it would have made a great 'crisis of faith' drama with supernatural undertones if it had absolutely no links to 'The X Files', but as it was supposed to further the stories of two characters whom we had to grown to love over countless episodes of the cult TV show, and to further their life's work into the mysteries of the unexplained, in that respect the film failed. **2*s

The slasher movies legacy began all the way back in 1960 with the work of acclaimed director Alfred Hitchcock, the movie... Psycho. On a hot summers day Marion Crane makes off from her workplace with a heavy stash of cash, in search of retreat she finds herself in The Bates Motel, where she falls foul of a vicious killer.

While the entry level to the slasher movie it's probably best to regard Psycho as a very basic slasher, there is no great abundance of deaths as followed in future slasher offerings. One thing Psycho did however was blazed its way into the history books as one of the most notorious horror movies of all time; despite its killing, Psycho features no blood whatsoever.

The slasher movie picked up speed in 1964 in Italy, director Mario Bava told a terrific tale of a masked killer stalking models in a high profile fashion house in the movie Blood And Black Lace. The movie not only reasonably sits in the category of slasher, but also falls into another genre, the Giallo movie. Six years later the most important entry in the slasher movie history appears again an Italian movie by Mario Bava, this movie was Bay Of Blood (Twitch Of The Death Nerve). Bay Of Blood was an inspiration on the American breed of slasher movie, with notorious horror directors John Carpenter, Tom Savini, and Wes Craven all acknowledging its incredible influence. Bay Of Blood follows a group of despicable individuals as they turn to the most extreme methods in order to inherit the bay of the movie's title.

In 1972 a little known director by the name of Wes Craven teamed up with producer Sean C. Cunningham to make the movie Last House On The Left, a movie that shocks audiences even today. The premise of Cravens movie takes shape on the 17th birthday of Mari Collingwood, Mari and her friend Phyllis head off from her rural location to the city to see a popular rock band of the day. A quest for some weed leads the friend to Junior, a young man turned into a drug addict by his own father. Junior is part of a gang of thugs and the girls are soon in their lair, where over a period of time they are raped and assaulted by all members (except Junior) before being murdered, but this is only where the story begins. Last House On The Left was banned or censored across the world, and until 2008 could not be seen in an uncut form in the United Kingdom.

In 1974 Canadian movie Black Christmas saw a vicious killer stalk a house of young women at the most festive of times. But the passion of this movie was overshadowed by another seasonal offering in 1978. Having scored success with Dark Star and Assault On Precinct 13, John Carpenters next movie is a keystone in the history of the slasher movie.

Halloween is arguably john Carpenters most successful movie, and one of the most famous horror movies of all time. Taking the element of fear already instilled in the hearts of Americans in respect of Halloween, Carpenters story follows vicious killer Michael Myers as he escapes from a mental institution and rips terror into the community of Haddonfield as he hunts down relative Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis). Halloween was a naturally acted movie that showed an innocent babysitters life turned upside down, to the viewing public it was all just so plausible.

Where Halloween stopped, Friday The 13th (1980) picked up. Taking the feel of Halloween's horror from a community to an isolated location, in this case Camp Crystal lake. Nicknamed Camp Blood after a terrible series of events back in the 1950's the plan is to turn Crystal Lake into a summer camp for kids, and the unlucky victims of Friday The 13th's killer are the summer camp guides, one of which was future star Kevin Bacon. What made Friday The 13th so special was that it was a low budget movie offered by producers Paramount to a major audience, it knocked Oscar winning movie Kramer Vs Kramer off the top of the charts, and at that point became of the most profitable movies of all time.

The same year a similar tale The Burning appeared, this was far more extreme that Friday The 13th, where as there was 7 victims in Friday, in The Burning the body count was in double figures, and that was in just one attack by the movies killer Cropsy. Like Friday The 13th the movie was set in a summer camp, and had future Hollywood stars Jason Alexander, Holly Hunter and Fisher Stevens. Notorious for its rowing massacre The Burning unlike Friday The 13th was censored across the world. The Burning rather interestingly bought about one of the most successful movie houses of modern times, Miramax.

Having released Halloween, and Friday The 13th the next few years saw lots of date themed movies, Happy Birthday To Me, My Bloody Valentine, Don't Open Till Christmas, New Years Evil, and returns for both Halloween and Friday The 13th. But 1980 was not done with the slasher movie, Jamie Lee Curtis and Leslie Nielson starred in the movie Prom Night in which a killer with a grudge stalked celebrating teens. A young Tom Hanks starred in the brilliantly suspenseful He Knows Your Alone, a young bride to be comes face to face with a brutal killer that is of course after he has despatched all of her friends. Maniac saw a New York man going to pieces while stealing parts from ladies of the city; and Jamie Lee Curtis returned to the horror genre again for Terror Train.

In 1982 journalist Deborah Ballin (Lee Grant) becomes stalked by a nutcase (played by Michael Ironside) in the movie Visiting Hours. Banned in the UK television channel ITV made the terrible mistake of showing the movie uncut, the result was expensive for the network.

Another legend was born in 1983, but it was so "out there" that until recent years it was forgotten. The movie Sleepaway Camp featured the most shocking final revelation of any of the slasher movies, taking a nod and a wink from Friday The 13th the movies finale left people completely gobsmacked.

The next big landmark in the genre was in 1984 when another legend was born, Freddy Kruger stalked the dreams of the kids in the picturesque location of Elm Street in the movie A Nightmare On Elm Street. Freddy Kruger was a child abuser burned to death by the residents of Elm Street many years prior to the original movie, but the vengeful Kruger returned to haunt the dreams of teens, if Kruger killed his prey in their dreams they also died in real life.

As the 1980's continued more Friday The 13th's, Elm Street's and Halloweens saturated the slasher genre. But it was the cleverly scripted April Fools Day in 1986 that put the death nail in the coffin of the slasher movie until ten years later. April Fool's Day had a pretty bizarre ending that was both loved and hated by horror movie enthusiasts, some went as far as to say they had been cheated. Whatever the case the movie ended the run of slasher movies, and until 1996 horror movies became just a dirty word.

For the third time Wes Craven caused a stir in 1996, having mortified audiences with Last House On The Left, and caused a whirlwind with The Nightmare On Elm Street movies, Wes Craven returned with the movie Scream. This new breed of slasher movie mixed graphic horror and comedy together and shook it up vigorously. Scream re-energised the horror movie genre, and proved there was still life in the slasher genre. While it charged up the slasher genre, it was only Scream and its two sequels that occupied the slasher mantel of the 90's into the early 2000's.

In 2007 having caused controversy with his movies House of A 1000 Corpses, and the Devil's Rejects, maverick director/musician Rob Zombie remade Halloween. This movie delivered something far more terrifying than the original and insured the way for a series of movie remakes, Friday The 13th, My Bloody Valentine, and Terror Train are all in production to bring the slasher movie to a whole new generation.

If you have a phobia of clowns, stay away from this movie.  If you love a good campy romp, however, then dig in.  The title says it all.  These creepy clowns either kill the townspeople or wrap them in cocoons of cotton candy (delish!).  I saw this when I was around 10 or so, and laughed and laughed and laughed.  There's a little clown that was my favorite character and even a murder that takes the form of shadow puppetry.

This Is Spinal Tap

 The Mockumentary that set off all mockumentaries.  Christopher Guest and company are clearly at the peak of their powers in this 80s cult classic.  If nothing else, watch it for the Mini-Stonehenge with the mystical midget.  I have no proof of this, but I feel like this must have been an inspiration for Flight of the Concords.

Rocky Horror Picture Show

Nothing will stick out more from my high school years then when a friend showed up on my doorstep with a copy of Rocky Horror Picture Show.  I hate musicals, but I loved this one.  With deliciously naughty songs and outlandish characters, it's probably the best party movie you can find.  Having this on in the background will make almost every party seem tame by comparison.  Come on, transvestites and cannibals?  How could you not love it?

Harold and Maude

If you've never seen this, you have to.  First off, the main character fakes his own suicide regularly and convincingly and he goes to funerals for fun.  If you needed any other reason to watch it, he drives a converted hearse and falls in love with an elderly lady.  You should see this movie just for the scene with the priest where he talks about "flabby buttocks."  This is one of my all-time favorite cult classics.

Plan 9 From Outer Space

This movie is occasionally labeled "The worst movie ever made".  While I think that's going pretty far, it is pretty awful.  If you have a chance, watch "Ed Wood" first.  It's a movie based on the life Plan 9 director, Ed Wood.  It will clear up why Plan 9 is so...different.

Evil Dead

"This is my boom stick!".  Wait, that's from the sequel.  From the chiseled jaw of Bruce Campbell to a character being molested by trees, this early work by Sam Raimi is definitely a wild ride.  I'm more of a fan of the sequels because they're far campier, but I don't like sequels on movie lists.  Give me the original baby, let me see where it all came from!

Barbarella

I ran across this one at an anti-Oscar party.  The point was to watch all the movies that were in no way Oscar worthy.  This was at the top of the list.  I've blocked most of it from my memory, but the parts I remember are just strange, like the machine that can dole out sexual pleasure in lethal dosages.  Just something to keep in mind.

A Clockwork Orange

The book is better.  I'll come right out and say it, but the movie is super enjoyable as well.  It's dark, creepy and full of strange, made-up slang.  "Red red grovvy" and "pain in my Gulliver".  There are some uncomfortable moments, some very uncomfortable moments, but that's the price you pay for seeing a futuristic movie about the good old ultraviolence.

Pink Flamingos

 Eating poop and trying to claim the name of Filthiest Person in Baltimore?  How can things go wrong?  This one has some serious raunch appeal.  John Waters is at his disgusting best with incest and many other unspeakable acts.  And the last scene?  Definitely the pay off.

The Big Lebowski

The Dude and his crew are more than fun to watch.  Take a crazy but broke ex-millionaire, his artist daughter and way too young wife, and mix in a middle aged bum with a taste for white russians and you just have a lot of fun.  Oh, did I mention the Nihilists, the pornographers, the peed on carpet and a missing toe?  Oh, and bowling, let's not forget the bowling.  It's too much to try to do a plot summary because too much happens, and all of it is hilarious.  This movie has more quotes than Monty Python.  My favorite?   "I don't roll on Shabbos!"

Eraserhead

You can't have a cult movie list without mentioning the King of Cult: David Lynch.  Eraserhead is his first movie and it took him years to make.  It's full of cool little moments like a drawer full of dirt, a singing miniature woman that lives in a radiator and a baby that's more monster than infant.  It's one of the best shot movies on the list.  Every moment is well thought out.  I highly recommend this movie to all and everyone.
  

Poltergeist

"They're here..." I'm sure, like most of these movies, the special effects look cheesy. Having said that, watching a grown man tear through his own face, no matter how cheesy, is still good-old-fashioned-horror-movie fun. This is nearly a flawless horror movie, not appropriately cheesy for a Halloween gathering, but great for a movie rental.

The Shining

I'm hesitant to put this one in the horror movie category because it's a classic in it's own right. It's yet another Stephen King inspired horror movie, 3rd on the list. The Shining has one of the most memorable lines ever, "Here's Johnny!". Turn the lights low, grab some popcorn, and get ready for the redrum.

Nightmare on Elm Street

No movie did more to scare me as a kid than this one. A man that stalks you in your dreams, has a full hand of knives, and a wicked sense of humor. Notice how no one wears red and green striped sweaters anymore? It's not just a fashion no-no, it's a Freddy flashback.

Friday the 13th

This movie set off a whole series of sequels, though Jason is surprisingly absent from this first movie. Want to win at trivia games? Remember this, Mrs. Voorhies. Once you see the movie, you'll know what I mean.

Hellraiser

An all-time favorite, Pinhead is one of the best monster/villains. His ability to inflict pain with absolutely no remorse goes beyond any other horror movie villain. Not to mention, his freakish appearance is enough to instill fear in the bravest of us. He looks like a unique mixture of Punk and Goth with just a hint of demon.

Children of the Corn

Based on a Stephen King novella, this is a tale every parent should watch. A town of children, led by a fanatical preacher, kills all the adults in the town. These children worship a force that lives in the corn fields. Think about that before sending little Timmy and Bobbie Sue to bed early without any dinner.

The Lost Boys

Every person I know that was a teenager in the 80s has seen this film and cherishes it. A group of young studs turn out to belong to the legion of the undead. Who has the awful task of hunting them down? How about the Two Coreys! Corey Haim and Corey Feldman. To make it even cooler, the vampires road motorcycles and had wicked cool 80s metal hair cuts.

Sleepaway Camp

A favorite, yet cheesy, horror flick. The whole movie isn't great, but the last five minutes are totally worth the time investment. There's a catchphrase at the end, which is also a spoiler, so I will not repeat it here, but you will be saying it at inappropriate times for years to come.

Pet Cemetery

Yes, another movie about bringing the dead back to life. Really people, let the dead go! This time, it's a sacred burial ground that gets them hopping; except that when they come back, they're insane murderers. This movie, though not as gory as some others, is definitely a spooky little thriller.

The Re-Animator

An intense young med-student is hell bent on reanimating the dead, hence the name. Does he succeed? You bet your living cells he does. Not only can he bring back the dead, but he can reanimate individual body parts. For instance, he brings a severed head back to life. Very gory, and a cult classic as well.

Interested in making your own movies?  Check out a how-to guide here.

Very seldom am I greeted with an opening scene so shocking that I look on open jawed at the vision I am seeing. To Arabic pilots are flying a plane whilst having a debate about how upon completing their mission they will receive a certain amount of virgins, while one claims to have been offered a thousand, the other was just offered a hundred. How would they get to the bottom of this? By a phone call of course, then it's straight on the phone to Osama , "How many virgins will we get for completing this mission?" No more than 20 between you comes the reply. Debating the reality of what they have just been told, the pilots announce over the intercom that there has been a change of plans and that they are now heading for the Bahamas. Sadly this falls on deaf ears and a mob of angry passenger break through the door, and you realise (after some pretty strong hints) that this is supposed to be the first plane to hit the World Trade Centre. If you want to cause controversy, why not make fun of one of the most known disasters of recent years?

Uwe Boll a German film-maker makes no apologies with his opening and moves on to cause further offence, this controversial character jests with disasters and later in the same movie makes a strong statement to two other American disasters, Waco and Columbine; cult followers are massacred, as are children. Of course he changes the scenes slightly delivering the child massacre into a Nazi World theme park in which he is one of the central characters. Not only does the director cause general offence, he goes on to imply that he gets aroused by reporters and children, does this man have no shame?

I'm sorry to confess I actually rather liked this atrocity of a movie, I'm not advocating any aspect of the film, but in a case of being so bad it's good you kind of have to make some allowances. Every fifteen minutes I was pretty much given reason to smile and look away from the screen trying to tell myself I really do not like this movie.

The movie follows several strands that all connect together as the movie progresses, chiefly following Postal Dude (Zack Ward) who discovers his incredibly overweight wife is having sex with pretty much anyone who just so happens to walk past their trailer. At the same time we see the rise in power of a terrorist cluster, and the finally a cult that is in trouble for tax evasion. All of who descend upon the Nazi Theme Park to celebrate the launch in the US of Krotchy dolls. Involved in the celebration is celebrity midget Verne Troyer.

If you are the sort of person that has stern views of American politics, then no doubt something about Postal might appeal to you. But it's pretty far off the genre of conventional humour, and as many people that will enjoy the movie, twice as many will hate it.

Postal is an incredibly sick and adult movie, with scenes of gross out sex, unusual sexual relations, slandering of religion, and odd pairings of key real life characters. Combine with this the fact that the movie is clearly very low budget. Then try to understand the casting, Zack Ward has been in a string of popular movies for over 20 years beginning with A Christmas Story and more recently Transformers. Then you have one time A-Lister Michael Pare, Austin Powers Verne Troyer, Seymour Cassel an actor who's movies include Indecent Proposal and The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou; when you have dealt with the familiar sounding names then there are the oh so familiar faces, nearly every scene has someone you recognise from another movie or popular TV show, there are no unknowns here, none at all. How does Boll manage to garner reasonable cast to appear in bad movies?

Despite the fact that I laughed on several occasions, I admit I'm a bit sick; and for the normal everyday movie viewer this far too far off whack to make enjoyable viewing for most; and rather like most other Uwe Boll movies this one is probably best avoided.

Watching trailers for movies from yesteryear may seem like a strangething to do, but if you're a fan of classic movies of the 60's, 70's and 80's that were far from blockbusters like myself, two hours of Trailer viewing will be right up your street. Grindhouse Trailer Classics opens a sort of vortex to the past, a glimpse at life before the dawn of the multiplex cinemas of Warner, Venue, or Cineworld.

The success of this DVD was so unexpected that Nucleus films headed up by film historian Marc Morris and movie maker Jake West are about to release a second volume of this compilation series.

To be honest with you, there is not much you can say about a two hour DVD of trailers, however I can tell you about some of the trailers. The combination of trailers varies from horror movies, thriller, soft porn classics, and sex comedies.

Switchblade Sisters sees a gang of teenage girls who have a thirst for blood, and a love for sharp knives. Eyeball offers a red raincoat wearing serial killer as they select a series of victims, "No Suspense has ever gone this far" tells the narrator of the trailer. Wes Craven's Last House On The Left trailer features footage actually edited out of the UK DVD release for the movie, making this a must for fans of the movie. Italian horror movies are well represented with trailers for Torso, Autopsy, Zombie AKA Zombie Flesh Eaters, and Doctor Butcher MD AKA Zombie Holocaust. How about Deadly Weapons a movie about a female assassin who kills her targets by smothering them with her enormous breasts. They Call Her One Eye features Christina Lindberg in the toned down version of this thriller/porn movie that inspired the Daryl Hannah character in Kill Bill. The Thing With Two heads sees the great Ray Milland near the end of his acting days as a head transplant patient whose head has been attached to the body of a black man who gets to keep his head too, the two headed man has a further issue because Ray Milland's character is a racist. Pete Walker's House Of The Whipcord offers British involvement to the piece and looks far sleazier than the reality. Fans of the Blaxploitation era will be treated to Truck Turner starring Isaac Hayes best known now as the voice of Chef from South Park, and Pam Grier movies Coffy, and The Big Doll House. While more modern movies are featured with the appearance of Death Ship and The Perils Of Gwendoline.

Among the 55 trailers featured are some trailers never before seen in the UK. Granted watching trailers might not seem like that much fun, but believe me if you have a good sense of humour and a thirst for movie trivia this DVD will keep you amused for weeks.

Special Features

Bump And Grind - A 17 minute documentary presented by low budget horror actress Emily Booth gives you a look and a taste of the effect these low budget movies had on audiences. In between clips for trailers like Wham Bam Thank You Spaceman, Emily tells the story of Grindhouse trailers from their initial conception to their demise at the dawn of the 1980's after the birth of videotape allowed cinemagoers the opportunity to see these weird movies in the comfort of your own home, rather than in semen stained seats, with audiences that were less than controlled. The documentary is based on the book Nightmare USA by cult movie novelist Stephen Thrower.

A series of posters are gathered together for you to get the unique feel of a bygone age, far from the modern politically correct age we now live in the posters could be every bit as shocking as the movies they publicise.

Finally there is a list of other movies from Nucleus a trailer for each one is featured the trailers include Between Your Legs, The Ugliest Woman In The World, Gwendoline, Fausto 5.0, London Voodoo, and Death Ship.

Puffball is a most unusual piece of filmmaking, its story centres around a young woman called Liffey (Kelly Riley) who is building her dream cottage in the calm and serine Irish Countryside. For Liffey the mistake comes when she encounters the neighbours a family almost ruled by Molly (Rita Tushingham) a Celtic witchcraft obsessed busy body, whose daughter Mabs (Miranda Richardson) longs after three daughters to have a boy. Having been defiled by her boyfriend Richard (Oscar Pearce) on a ceremonial stone Molly begins to work witchcraft against Liffey for not only showing a lack of respect to the stone, but seemingly because she is simply there. Things become considerably worse for Liffey when Molly sends Tucker (Mabs husband played by William Houston) round for a bit of how's your father witches brew disguised as wine in hand.

I finished watching Puffball obliviously unaware of whether I had watched an amazing piece of art house style cinema, or the biggest celluloid atrocity of all time. While the story was easy enough to piece together the way Roeg goes about telling the story does rely on a certain amount of head scratching. While aside from the awkward meandering of the story your then plummeted into the world of the unexplained when a series of potential plotlines are disregarded as readily as Liffey discards her underwear.

To add to an already strange debacle we are then thrust the pleasure of Donald Sutherland as Lars, who is Lars? What is the magical effect that the cottage and Liffey has on him? Why does he know the location of several things? And where on earth is he meant to come from because his accent moves from Canadian to Irish at the drop of a hat? All these questions remain un-concluded by the movies finale and I feel kind of robbed, especially considering I always rather enjoy the spectacle of Sutherland in a movie.

While the flame haired Kelly Reilly as Liffey offers a sumptuous visual spectacle for us guys, I wonder what if anything the women viewers would think of her. From beginning the movie in a fairly non sexual manner she is suddenly being thrust around all over the place and in every position, hats off to Roeg however who somehow makes quite explicit scenes completely tame with not so much as nipple or lower lady parts to be seen, although he does focus on the striding male nude backside a little too much for my liking. A scene in a barn with Tucker echoes Roeg's earlier Don't Look Now sex scene between Donald Sutherland and Julie Christie, it's a strange entanglement that kind of borderlines rape above anything else.

I personally felt that I was involved in some sort if "in" joke that everyone else (movie cast and crew) were all aware of but as an outsider I was the brunt of some sort of clever and offensive bit of mickey taking. Rita Tushingham runs around with all manner of varieties of mushroom and other sorts of phallic shaped fungi, the beast fungi being the Puffball of the movies titles is not only picked and cooked, but on a number of occasions attacked during the movie, on one occasion hacked up with a sickle and on another stamped, and rather like a balloon nothing is inside the Puffball; so how on earth do they eat it?

Roeg's creative camerawork and special effects are quite bizarre, a model of the cottage Liffey is working on quite often has a superimposed foetus working at a desk, a red aura frequently dominates the centre of the screen, and in case you are rather unsure what has been going on with Liffey when she is wrestling with one of two men, your are given an internal view of her just in time to see a rocket launch of ejaculate making its way towards her ovaries, nice!

Often one accused of being one to sit on the fence in my movie reviews, I have to today resolve myself to that position. I sort of loved it, I kind of hated it but for some unknown reason I really want to watch it again. Yes I didn't really get it, yes there were a lot of baffling factors; but maybe, just maybe next time round I might be privy to the joke all the screen characters shared. But then just like Alice I always like to believe in three impossible things before breakfast.

It's hard to know where to start with this movie because to be honest with you it's all kind of a blur. Following the story of Martel "Too Sweet" Cardone (Leon Isaac Kennedy), from the outside world into prison; once inside Too Sweet through bullying decides it's important to fight in the prison boxing team, from here on out it's all kind of....Yawn.

I try never to write off a movie too soon, and in doing so watched Penitentiary until the very end, what I sadly was doing was not giving a movie a chance, but literally throwing away a hundred minutes of my life. Watching this movie is rather like spending 20 years doing a job you hate, it's offensive and almost painful. The story itself staggers between bad storytelling to bad editing; this is the reason why I find trying to tell the movie in a review so much of a blur.

The movie is pretty much an opportunity to display black people in the worst possible light stereotyping them into the category of rapists, drug addicts, murderers and crazy folks. From the first ten minutes of the movie you really get the feeling that this is a piece of racist paraphernalia. What is most sad about the movie is that is written and directed by a black filmmaker known as Jamaa Fanaka, committing the offence of selling his own race down the river.

After thirty minutes of stumbled storytelling the movie moves onto the fighting, which seems to dominate the following forty minutes. While Too Sweet fights in the ring, some of his fellow inmates use the opportunity to subdue some visiting women from the nearby women's prison, when i say subdue they have a choice have sex, or be raped; used as a tool of pleasure, obviously this is all women are worth. While having to endure the unending series of systematic sexual activity you are forced to hear the sound of the boxing match over the top of the lovemaking, further annoyance is that this sound is on a loop, so every few seconds you here the same shrieks and chants along with some wailing noises that you could only associate with a hippo standing on a spear.

All the way through the movie you feel you're not watching a serious piece of cult cinema, but a spoof; it resembles in some ways the Scary Movie films, with black people with over the top afro's smoking cigarettes through their ears. While another individual runs round with foam pouring from his mouth and covering his face while holding a monkey, demanding to see the naked rear end of whomever he finds offensive. I spent a great proportion of the movie laughing my socks off, but not at the great humour playing out on screen, but because of the sheer absurdity of the piece.

Further annoyance is delivered in the fact that when the cast are not talking in a as yet unchartered "negro slang", they are more often than not inaudible due to poor care of the print over the 30 years since the movie was made, in bringing the movie to DVD no time or effort has been spent trying to improve the sound, or the incredibly grainy images on screen.

What started out mildly amusing because of the overall "badness" of the piece soon turned to annoyance, I was annoyed that I was watching a movie that literally stood as a piece of intolerable racism at a time in American history where all cultures were supposedly being embraced after years of inequality.

 

It doesn't help when wifey catches the bridegroom on the floor, naked with Andrea Rau. Fortunately, or perhaps unfortunately, Andrea is dead, a straight-razor having slipped and somehow killed her while Karlen was sexually grappling with her. We are not shown where the razor cut her, there are no cuts and just a little blood. This is not what one expects in a vampire movie. Andrea Rau is sexy whether she's alive or dead. She surely has the most sensuous, thick, pouting lips of any star of stage or screen, made even larger by a generous helping of dark red lipstick. Too bad more of the movie couldn't have featured Andrea Rau and less the fading late 30's glamor of the Countess who appears in dozens and dozens more shots than her young understudy does.

This film looks and feels like a sequel. Unfortunately, there was no previous movie. Maybe one should have been made, but wasn't. And too late now to do it, 35 years after the fact. As an example of the "sequel" feeling: there is an old retired police inspector, reduced now to peddling around the countryside on a bicycle, with knowing looks in his eye, who certainly is aware of what the dread countess is up to, and shadows her. He obviously knows the bloody countess from some past run-ins, but nothing more is said about it, and his threat is quickly put to a violent, slightly comical end. Nothing ever comes of him. There is also a Germanic sort of stuffy, puffed-up desk clerk in the dreary abandoned hotel who remembers the countess from 40 years earlier, when some wicked, unelaborated events took place. He remarks that she looked just the same 40 years ago as she does today, but nobody believes he could be talking about the same person. We're left wishing we could have seen that movie.

There is a stark lack of people in this film. The seaside hotel has fewer people in winter than the Overlook Hotel in Stephen King's The Shining. Some of this makes no sense at all. The young honeymoon couple indulge in a wonderful gourmet dinner in a dining hall totally empty except for themselves. Hard to believe there is a kitchen staff there slaving away in back for the sake of one or two diners, but we have no idea where this fine meal came from, or who served it, since there are no waiters or waitresses, either. It could've been take-out.

The highest point of intense sexual tension occur when Lady Bathory puts her hands all over the young hubby, played by Karlen, while wifey understandably freaks-out, watching in growing horror from 10 feet away as the Countesses' caresses become more and more intimate while she and her male prey (although she prefers females), recite a litany of the bloody deeds of the historical countess, 400 years earlier. There is a powerful sense of how eroticism, torture and violent bloodshed all come together, as both Bathory and hubby grow ecstatic during what they are saying, lines such as: "pinched their nipples with silver tongs!" Unfortunately, it doesn't get any better than that in this movie; so the best part is nothing but a tease.

A cheap and quick exit is made at the end which will leave most viewers unsatisfied. This is followed by a twist as we are shown that the evil lives on. But it is only a vague suggestion of violence and bloodshed, as during most of the rest of the movie, things are suggested but very little is shown. In the entire film there is only one brief scene of vampires feeding on newly-spilled blood, but it is rather unconvincing, since their victim had his wrists cut when a glass punchbowl that they were pressing down on his face broke into two parts, each of which just happened to roll down and sever his wrists.

Seeing this almost incomprehensible 'Director's Cut' makes me sort of want to see the cut version which was originally shown in the U.S., which ran 12 minutes shorter. Maybe less was more, in this case. The version I saw is marked NOT RATED, although there is some female nudity and quite a bit of graphic groping around, mostly by the young newlyweds in the early scenes. But probably not a film for the youngsters!