Chances are that if this film had one or two good ideas, they'll be ripped off before you can blink by countless imitators, with diminishing degrees of success. Take the originality of Halloween, for example, beaten to death by various noxious movie series like the Nightmare On Elm Street films or the Friday The 13th saga. Or, more recently, the shameless rip-offs of films like Signs, with truly criminal straight-to-video insults like The Aliens Who Leave Maps In Fields. That may not have been its exact title, admittedly, but it was along those lines.

Undeniably, one of the most influential horror / science fiction films of the last 30 years is Ridley Scott's Alien. Look at any outer space fright-fest since and there will be Alien overtones all over it: Event Horizon, Species, Starship Troopers, Pitch Black. Its nightmarish and groundbreakingly original depiction of extraterrestrial terror remains as effective today as it was when it was released. Atypically, the sequels were intriguing expansions on the original story, rather than just tired re-treads.

James Cameron's Aliens is still one of the most exciting action movies ever committed to celluloid, while David Fincher's actually-really-good Alien 3 gave us a hellish prison for British character actors being gradually slaughtered in a variety of fascinatingly horrible ways. Can't say fairer than that, can you? Despite the blatant Terminator 2 rip-off ending, it was a fitting conclusion to a brilliantly realized modern horror series, and the film-makers clearly intended for the line to be drawn there, as evidenced by Ripley's noble suicide while destroying the aliens once and for all.

But no. Out of the steaming pile of rejected script ideas for squeezing more blood out of the series came Alien Resurrection, directed by acclaimed Frenchman Jean-Pierre Jeunet (Delicatessen ) from a dire script by Joss Whedon, and what a truly rubbish film it is. Apart from Batman And Robin, it's hard to think of many films that have so comprehensively shat on their legacy the way this does. It's full circle here - the fourth film in a series that practically invented the space-horror genre now freely steals ideas from its inferior imitators rather than drawing on what made it great in the first place. There is simply nothing new here worth consideration, and the attempts at expanding on the established Alien mythos are unintentionally funny.

The story, such as it is, picks up 200 years after the death of Ellen Ripley in the third movie. We meet some military scientists. For those of you not versed in movie cliché, they are here to carry out dastardly illegal deeds, and then die in impressively inventive and suitably fitting gorefests as punishment for their predictability. These particular boffins already have two strikes against them as they have seen fit to employ the Jonah of the movie world, Brad Dourif (his personal guarantee: to either go as insane as a BSE-ridden cow with itching testicles, or to radiate evil so obvious even Leatherface would cross the street to avoid him). They have cloned Ripley from a blood sample in order to retrieve the alien queen embryo that was growing inside her at the time of her death, although quite how that works is beyond me. Ripley has, as an unexpected side effect, somehow inherited alien characteristics such as increased strength and sensory perception, making her a top-notch basketball player.

With the alien queen now laying those nasty face hugger eggs, the scientists need some human subjects to act as hosts for the aliens. Enter a ragged band of space pirates carrying just such a cargo, led by that gravel-voiced bloke from Robin Hood and The Crow, and who have among them Winona Ryder - the definition of excess cargo in any movie. While they relax and Winona contemplates carrying out criminal activities in front of the security cameras (you can't take her anywhere), there occurs, amazingly, an accident resulting in two of the aliens escaping. Before long, there are twelve of them rampaging around the ship and being generally unpleasant, although quite how the rest got out is never explained. The Captain and much of the crew are killed, and Ripley is forced to team up with the pirates and beat a safe path to their ship in the landing bay.

So, it's essentially a straightforward chase movie in the style of films like Deep Blue Sea, meaning that the emphasis is not going to be on suspense and atmosphere, but action set pieces and guessing who's next to be minced. And this isn't a stretch, as you can guess which poor sap is next for the chop a mile away. The design of the ship is entirely second-hand and unoriginal, a crude amalgamation of every "realistic" space freighter yet seen in sci-fi. In fact, the scene where the crew abandon the ship via escape pods looks like an outtake from the climactic scenes in Mel Brooks' Spaceballs.

The action sequences contain none of the eye-popping spectacle of Cameron's movie, or any of the heart-pounding suspense from the third film. Where Aliens swept you along with its all-guns-blazing ferocity and Alien 3 retained a blood-thick atmosphere of menace, this film's sensibilities bear more resemblance to a Bruce Willis flick, with grizzled pirate Ron Perlman (Hellboy)making wisecracks aplenty which are totally at odds with any efforts to impose dread and credibility.

The alien itself, a shadowy presence for most of the first movie and a thing of believable terror in parts 2 and 3, is now over-familiar to us and therefore less effective, not helped by the fact that they now appear to roar like lions and are completely covered in a rather comical viscous goo, making them look like walking adverts for KY jelly. The alien queen appears for a criminally short space of time before being casually dispatched, and the truly appalling half-breed thing that appears for the climax must rate as the most catastrophic misfire of the whole franchise. It looks risible and ridiculous, and you'd do well to ensure you're not munching on some nachos when it meets its demise, as laughter-induced chokage cannot be ruled out. Unintentional comedy is never a good thing in a horror movie, but in an Alien movie, it should be a firing-squad offence.

There is also the problem of exactly what has become of Ripley. Sigourney Weaver is here playing a character that shares her name but otherwise bears no resemblance to the tough, flawed and cynical heroine of the previous films, which begs the question of why she was brought back to life in the first place. She gives us some funny looks, swears a lot and bleeds acid, but to have this character develop a kind of mother-figure relationship with the aliens and even shed a tear upon their demise is stretching credulity to beyond breaking point. And other than the aforementioned Brad Dourif who gives a memorably cuckoo speech while encased in alien drool, the supporting cast do little other than crack jokes, flee from aliens, and die. Winona Ryder builds on her reputation as the crumbliest, flakiest actress of them all with a pathetic performance as the android, Call, while there is some fun to be had in watching Jeunet trying to outdo the chest-burster scene from the first film with something even more blood-splattered and horrible.

There is, to be fair, one decent action sequence that occurs during an underwater chase scene. Pursued by two swimming aliens, our heroes surface amongst a strange membrane in an elevator shaft that horrifyingly turns out to be part of one of the face hugger nests. There follows a pretty exciting struggle, but one good scene does not a good film make. And without giving it away, the ending is baffling. To save lives, it is probably best to avoid causing a planetary disaster.

Yes, in pretty much every aspect, Alien Resurrection stinks worse than three-month old halibut, and is a sorry addition to a classic trilogy of films. The average punter will, after a few beers, enjoy a throwaway action movie as much as the next man, but not when it's a blatant and vastly inferior cash-in attempt to keep a spent franchise alive at the expense of originality, and is entirely au-fait with short changing its audience. A bit like George Lucas with his unutterably gash Star Wars prequels, or the Wachowskis with their limp Matrix follow-ups. Those films have their fans, of course, as does this. Then again, they're wrong and I'm right.

There are a few rules, because there always are. First is no powers. That's a bye bye to Vader & Skywalker, Spider-Man, Superman and all the rest. Second is no gadgets or toys. Bond, Batman, and the Ghostbusters, this means you. You're only allowed to use the common tools and technology of the time. There are some others who definitely belong in the club. Don't worry, they'll be given their BAMF badges soon. Samuel, it'll be in the mail by next week. This isn't politics so that's enough of the red tape and legal jargon.

 

Martin Riggs & Roger Murtaugh

 

There are two here, but it's impossible to split them up. Anytime it does happen, anyone in the way of them reuniting doesn't live long enough to regret it. Together they've taken down mercenaries, Gary Busey, corrupt South African ambassadors abusing their diplomatic immunity, gang bangers, dirty cops, the Chinese Triad and Jet Li. Most of them while putting up with Joe Pesci's "okay okay okay." The only reason they're at number 5 is they both had armed forces training in Vietnam, including Special Forces for Riggs. So actually add Vietnam to the list of things they've survived.

There is basically nothing these two can't do. They get the job done no matter what. While taking down the laundry list of bad guys, they've been shot, stabbed, tortured, electrocuted, and that's just in Lethal Weapon 1. Shane Black, the creator of the buddy cop genre and an honorary BAMF himself, also penned the first 2 movies. Black's other credits include The Long Kiss Goodnight, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang and the Last Boy scout. Any bad guy who sees he's up against Riggs and Murtaugh just gives up now. The only thing that scares these two is growing old. As we all know, they're getting too old for it. Sadly, so are Mel Gibson and Danny Glover. No one wants to see Lethal Weapon 9: Retirement Home Justice. But I do want a LW5. Almost had it when Gibson made his racist remarks. Come on, you guys aren't too old for this yet.

The Dude

The other Jeffrey Lebowski. He doesn't bust "em up in the same way as the rest, but this tenacious little stoner won"t stop until he's solved the problem. Corrupt cripple fake millionaires, electronica bands turned nihilists, porn producers and dim-witted henchmen beware. He only has 1 movie, but it's so good that it counts as 3. His philosophy makes him all the cooler. Sometimes you eat the bar and sometimes the bar eats you. No matter what, he keeps on keeping on. Walter's rambling and overly sensitive semi-Semitic ideals don't even faze him. Donnie passes on, but the Dude keeps doing what he has to. White Russians became an instant classic thanks to him. And his acid flashbacks are well choreographed. He's not moving at break-neck speeds, but he's still an unstoppable force.

Not to mention the bowling troubles. John Turturro? He's a pederast and he's going down next Wednesday. The Dude even engages in coitus with Julianne Moore and brings the best line ever spoken by Tara Reid. The one that would make all of us find a cash machine. Part of his power might be derived from keeping his mind limber. A variation of f- is used 281 times. Oh yeah, and he makes witty remarks when strangers shove his head in the toilet. If that's not a BAMF maneuver, I don't know what is.

Ripley

In space, no one can hear you scream. But everyone has seen her kick the acid blood out of the Aliens, or Xenomorphs. Alien is the perfect natural killer. Its prey turns into its host. If you hurt it, the acid blood kills you. It can climb on walls and ceilings; it's fast, strong and tough. Razor sharp teeth and tail, it can hide in the shadows or small shafts, or just kill everything in a room in about 3 seconds. You take down one of these and you're BAMF material. Take down dozens, including queens, and the organization can't survive without you. Her most shining moment has to be the end of Aliens, where she does the right things to beat the queen. She gears up first, getting plenty of normal rounds, flame thrower and maybe some grenades. When she passes the face-huggers on the ground, she drops the flares to make sure they're dead instead of assuming they are and getting killed because of it. She goes back, saves Newt and kills the whole colony of xenomorphs.

She's not just the bane of Aliens everywhere cause she can take them down after they kill a whole platoon of marines though. Her ability to think and adapt is also great. The android from Alien was a corporate tool in a few ways, but she still learns to trust Bishop later on. She recognizes not to trust all Bishop androids though, as seen at the end of 3. She's even willing to make the ultimate sacrifice to make sure the company doesn't get its hands on an Alien, which would lead to them killing billions more across the galaxy. True, Resurrection is a strike against her. There's no denying that. The rest are good enough to make up for it though. And, she had enough sense to stay away from the Alien vs. Predator disaster. AVP2 was better, but the first was just so bad.

Those of you looking back at the rules and saying that Ripley used some nifty gadgets and toys are both right and wrong. She does, but the technology is common at that time. Most of it is primitive for that time. She's cruising around in spaceships with suspended animation and the best thing she has is modified radar or a mining suit. Most of the time she's got fire or a gun. Even we have fire and guns.

John McClane

So I couldn't choose who would be #2 or #1, so I'll go the NFL wide receiver route and make it option 1 or option 1A. General consensus would probably put the remaining BAMF as the sole #1, but the general consensus isn't writing this.

He's saved people from L.A. to New York to D.C, from sea to shining sea. He has no special training; he's a New York beat cop. He's not the smartest guy around or very tech-savvy. He loves his family and he hates bad guys. He's John McClane and he's 100% certified BAMF. One on one, he'll take anybody down. It's hard to believe that there were serious doubts about Bruce Willis in an action role. But back then he was seen as a comedy guy from Moonlighting. Now, he is the action genre. Movies are described as Die Hard on a boat (Under Siege), Die Hard on a train (Under Siege 2: Dark Territory), Die Hard on a plane (Snakes on a Plane!). Bruce Willis was actually option #5 for Die Hard. Check imdb. As everyone knows, if it's on there it must be true.

Here's the resume: Beats Hans Gruber and a dozen other highly trained, well financed faux terrorist thieves. Al helps, Ellis dies. Everyone is happy when Ellis dies. Beats an ex-colonel who's turned traitor, his group of elite commandos, a corrupt major and his group of elite commandos. Saves Holly's plane and every other plane except the one Miles O'Brien was piloting. Al helps a little bit. Hans Gruber's brother Simon comes at him with a squadron of terrorists and mercenaries. Runs through all of Simon's games, defeats small army. No help from Al this time, but lots of help from SamueL. Defeats helicopter with a six-shooter and electric wire. Beats former DoD super computer genius and some other exaggerated baddies. This time defeats helicopter by driving a car into a concrete pillar, which ramps it instead of crashing it. Random craziness with a semi and F-15. Kevin Smith cameo.

The best is clearly the original rumble in the Nakatomi building. Everything about that is perfect action. Even Carl Winslow learns a lesson. The same lesson as McClane in the movie - shoot people. Second best is his New York romp with former 2nd unit stand in for Bill Cosby, SamueL. Let's not bring up Live Free or DH. McClane's infinite toughness really boosts him up. He's shot, runs barefoot through broken glass, shot a whole lot more, ejected from an exploding plane, dropped onto a barge and that craziness with the jet fighter. And he keeps going. Any sort of emergency, give me John McClane and I'll be happy watching him save the day and shoot everyone in his way.

 

Indiana Jones

 

It's a shame that so many on this list have one movie that counts against them instead of for them. Crystal Skull, Live Free or DH, A: Resurrection, and LW4. But it proves not even Hollywood milking these BAMF's dry can stop them.

This was almost called the INDY club, that's how good he is. He takes down Nazis like they're Lego's. Solves legends from two major religions. He found the Ark of the Covenant and the Holy Grail, and he's still a down to Earth guy. He can beat the living daylights out of you and give you a history lesson at the same time. And make history come to life. More recently, he took down some commies, but let's focus on the good times. The times before Lucas' infinite crazy was allowed to run unhinged. Indy has completely smashed the bad guys and saved the day on 5 different continents. Very few others can make that claim. He hasn't gone down under, but what's he going to solve there? Everyone knows who ate the baby. And Antarctica, there's no archeological artifacts down there despite what AVP says. I told you, AVP is terrible. Indy wins on land, sea and air. He's got it all.

If you can find the Ark, you're already in. Keep it out of the Nazis hands and you're a legend. Smart enough to survive the opening of the Ark, then there's not even a word to describe you. He saves kids from evil Thuggee cults and returns the Sankara stones to save the village. He survived the trails to find and was knowledgeable enough to get the true Grail. It's arguably as good as the Monty Python quest for it. And his dad is Sean Connery. He's the son of James Bond for crying out loud. He can solve any mystery, defeat any enemy and recover any treasure. There's really no explanation needed. He is the BAMF chief. None of the wannabes (National Treasure, Lara Croft, The Librarian) can even see him, much less touch him. Long live the king.