The Giant
This person is frustrating. You know the kind. You are sitting comfortably in a nearly empty theater after having arrived early to get the best seats. You are settling in with your popcorn and drink as the previews roll. Suddenly, you feel a shock wave throughout the theater. You glance down at your drink, and watch it shudder. Your pulse begins to race as your gaze darts nervously around. You hardly notice your friend making comments about your sanity as you search for the T-Rex you know must be coming.
Just when you are almost sure that your time has come, you see Shaquille O'Neal's bigger, and wider brother. He glances quickly around the now rapidly filling theater and lumbers down the aisle, finally plopping down in the seat directly in front of you. You then spend the rest of the film watching through the gap under the monster's arm, which smells as if it is housing the neighbor's cat that you ran over a month ago. Luckily you are an optimistic person and try to make the best of the situation.
As a good little joke pops up in the movie, you and your friend laugh for the appropriate time (see late-laugher) and cut off. A few seconds later you hear that familiar roar, and once your friend gets your fingers pried off her leg and stops your screaming, you realize that Mr. O'Neal is a late-laugher as well.
The Screamer
These types are an interesting one. They can sometimes really make a movie fun in the right settings. However, they typically only push me right onto the threshold of insanity, which many misguided individuals might tell you is not much of a push, but that isn't the point. While I am fairly certain I have never before been pushed to that point, I have found that sometimes I am hard pressed to resist the voice telling me to strangle that scream right out of them. I recall a particular time when I was at a theater, fully engrossed in a wonderful production, when out of nowhere came a scream that barely registered in my range of hearing.
At first I thought someone was being murdered in that very theater, and being the heroic type that I am, quickly dove behind my seat to hide, so as not to be next. As the movie progressed however, and I determined that the murder most likely would have already taken place, I gathered the courage to peek over the seat, only to see a crazed woman, pointing with mouth open wide and emitting a sound that I can only imagine scrambled the brains of any dog within 5 miles.
I know that all people have a right to enjoy themselves at a theater, but it is just plain rude to inflict permanent hearing damage on innocent moviegoers, although I think the government should look into finding this woman for work in the war on terrorism, as she certainly terrorized me. Needless to say, I left The Lion King thoroughly disgusted.
The Windbreaker
I have very little to say about this person, although you should know that I do not mean a jacket. This person in my opinion is the most loathsome and foul person to appear at a theater. You may be sitting, minding your own business when suddenly it hits you. You inhale and immediately blow a fast stream right back out your nose. You desperately try to rid your nostrils of the poisonous stench but it has already attached itself to you and is slowly sucking the life out you. You claw at your throat, bash your head on the seat in front of you, and bite your tongue.
As the world around you goes black you see a guy 3 rows up chuckling to himself and looking around with a guilty expression to see if anyone has discovered him. You vow to remember his face.
As you can see, the movie experience is quite an emotional load, and should not be entered into lightly. Many a child can go into a rated PG movie and come out with an R rated education due to the surrounding audience. Hopefully I have properly prepared you for what lies ahead. The theater life is not for the faint of heart. I have shown you the door, but it is you who must choose to go through it.
