Of all the things I like to do, I really enjoy going to see movies in theaters. However, there are some people in movie theaters that really annoy me.
In this short article I would like the chance to impart to you, the reader, my extensive research on the personas of the said people. I have delved deep into their psyches in order to determine what exactly is wrong with them and I hope you benefit from it on your next trip to the theater.
The Second Time Viewer
This category is kind of sketchy. It is possible for some people to see a film with you that they have already seen and remain acceptable. Some, however, do not possess the ability to exercise control over themselves. They will commonly say things like: “Ooh, this part is good” “Ooh watch this part” “This is great” “I really wish he didn't die in the end” “I have to pee” “Do you have to pee?” “Don't worry, they'll get him back for that one” “I wonder if they will make a sequel since all the main characters die?”
You can see how this person could easily drive you to commit a felony. I know that when I attend a movie with a second time viewer, it almost always ends with me stealing a car of some sort.
The Late-Laugher
This person can drive you absolutely nuts in no time. You can be sitting in a theater, watching your average comedy. Lets say Adam Sandler's latest. Now while we all know that Sandler makes movies with complex plot twists and multi-leveled characters that many people just don't get, we also know that he occasionally slips a tasteless joke into his films.
Because we are movie connoisseurs we know that the appropriate amount of time devoted for the best of these jokes is 7 seconds. 7 because 6 is less than it deserves, and frankly, 8 is much too indulging. Therefore, as you sit in the theater and one of these gags is pulled, you, with the audience behind you laughs, cutting off abruptly at the 7-second point. Approximately 25 seconds later, you hear a deep rumbling sort of growl coming from directly behind you, followed by a shrill scream.
Immediately, thinking you are about to be devoured, you dive beneath your seat, prompting your friend to kick you repeatedly and yell, “Get up you idiot, you are making a scene. And stop that screaming!” It is then that you realize that the sound you had heard was that of the 400lb man behind you in the couples bench laughing at the joke you had long since forgotten. I won't waste any more time analyzing this kind, as I think you can see why their inability to follow proper movie etiquette makes them a problem.
The Crier
This person can be a difficult one to deal with, especially if you are at the movie with them. As a male, it is sometimes difficult for me to relate to people of this category, because when a character in a movie I am watching dies, I have two possible reactions. I am either jubilant, because I disliked the character, or I want another character to kill the person who caused the death of a character that I did like. Females are different. On many occasions I have attended movies with my friends and as a character dies, I glance over at them to see tears pouring down their face.
Following the natural male instinct I quickly pretend not to have seen so as to continue being able to enjoy the movie without what women call sympathy. After a few seconds my conscience gets the better of me and I make a small attempt to offer my condolences over their loss. Usually it is met with an attempt to cause me bodily harm while at the same time stating in a whispered yell that she is fine. It was just that a misdirected insect flew into her eye.
I am amazed at how many of these insects are in theaters these days. You would think that after all these technological advancements, we would be able to properly deal with such a thing. If a person could invent some kind of chemical to eliminate them, I bet they would make a fortune.
The Talker
If there is any kind of moviegoer that I cannot stand it is this one. You go to a movie trying to see a movie. Simple enough. I think not. You will be getting wrapped up in the movie when your thought process is interrupted by some type of commentary.
At first it is no big deal, but it drones on and on through the whole movie until finally your friend gets so annoyed that she snaps, stands up and yells, “Would you shut up you idiot! I am trying to watch a movie!” Needless to say you are shocked at this outburst and therefore, stop talking.
